Pierre the Paranoid Mailman

Once upon a time there was a paranoid mailman named Pierre. Given that he was terrified by just about everything, his career choice was a curious one. Every time he picked up a piece of mail, he let out a little fear hiccup because he got scared by each and every one.

Pick up letter: "AH-HUH!" Place in bag.

Pick up letter: "AH-HUH!" Place in bag.

The man was even afraid of his own shadow, but granted, it did take the shape of a giant monster with fangs for no discernible reason. One day, he became so paralyzed with fear while driving around delivering letters that he decided to protect himself from other drivers by avoiding them in the only reasonable way he could: driving on the sidewalk.

Curiously enough, pedestrians didn't enjoy having their lives threatened in this manner, and within a minute, he was pulled over by the police.

"Ees zere a probleem, offeecer?"

"Sir, my name is Officer Mulcahey. Would you care to explain why you were driving on the sidewalk instead of the road like everybody else?"

At this point Pierre became too afraid to even speak, so Officer Mulcahey just arrested him instead of talking further. "JUSTICE!!" he yelled in his mind, "I'M AWESOME! ARRESTING PEOPLE IS GREAT! THIS IS WHY I BECAME AN OFFICER! BOO-YAAAAHHHH!!" Despite the rowdy display of self-gratification taking place in his thoughts, the officer held a steadfastly stoic face as he ducked Pierre into the back of the cruiser, fear hiccup after fear hiccup issuing from his mouth.

At the preliminary hearing, the judge asked whether Pierre wanted to plead guilty or not guilty, but the paranoid mailman could utter only one sound: "LLLLLLLLLLL"

"I didn't catch that. Did you say 'guilty' or 'not guilty?'"

"LLLLLLLLLLLLL!!"

"Very well. The preliminary hearing is rescheduled for tomorrow. I suggest you spend this time collecting your thoughts, Mr. Pierre."

Pierre wondered why the judge used his first name in place of his last, but the crippling fear soon overwhelmed this brief consideration. That night in jail, Pierre became sad. He was experiencing an existential crisis. Who was he? Why did he exist? From whence cometh all this fear? Why did he have to room with Bruno the Murderer for the night? Pierre didn't know in which direction he should go next.

In the recreation room, he was threatened by a group of surly thugs. He tried to bribe them with an apple he was somehow able to smuggle into the jail, but to no avail.

He decided enough was enough. The mail had to be delivered, and the more time he spent in jail, the less mail people would be receiving! He didn't consider that the post office actually hires more workers, and that his routes were covered. As he was led into the courthouse for his preliminary hearing (round 2), he brazenly burst forward into the chambers and bellowed at the top of his lungs "NOT GILTEEEEEEE!!!"

Unfortunately, it wasn't time for his hearing yet, and he had disrupted a paternity suit. He got re-arrested.

Finally, he plead not guilty, and a trial was set up. The jury had a heavy burden to determine a moralistic quandary: did Pierre, or did he not, drive a mail truck on a sidewalk and almost kill people? It turned out there was video footage, and their decision was actually quite easy to reach. Pierre had, in fact, driven a mail truck on a sidewalk and almost killed people. Lots of people, in fact. It's a miracle he didn't. Why he pled not guilty was more perplexing than the case itself. The jurors patted themselves on their backs for a job well done, treated themselves to a nice dinner, traded phone numbers and agreed that they need to have a monthly get-together to reminisce about that time a crazy guy drove on the sidewalk and they found him guilty. Two jurors ended up getting married several years later. Their only child became the President of the United States.

Pierre, meanwhile, went back to jail and counted down the days until he would be free to be scared of all sorts of things in the free world again.