Sleepy Man

Once upon a time there was a sleepy man. He read in bed for a few minutes as he did every night, but tonight he could not sleep. He was wide awake. He spent some time gazing out of the window and he saw a shooting star. "Amazing!" he thought, but if only I could sleep. Then briefly he did sleep, but his dream was not a restful one. He dreamed that a boogie man was standing behind him and he was deeply frightened. He ran and ran as fast as he could, but the boogie man wouldn't give up. In his dream, the man picked a flower and offered to the boogie man, and suddenly he was awake again. What to do? He gazed around his room and realized that he could try counting sheep. So he did, 1, 2, 3... 15... 25... 150... 198... and finally he slept and awoke happy and restful.

Pierre the Paranoid Mailman

Once upon a time there was a paranoid mailman named Pierre. Given that he was terrified by just about everything, his career choice was a curious one. Every time he picked up a piece of mail, he let out a little fear hiccup because he got scared by each and every one.

Pick up letter: "AH-HUH!" Place in bag.

Pick up letter: "AH-HUH!" Place in bag.

The man was even afraid of his own shadow, but granted, it did take the shape of a giant monster with fangs for no discernible reason. One day, he became so paralyzed with fear while driving around delivering letters that he decided to protect himself from other drivers by avoiding them in the only reasonable way he could: driving on the sidewalk.

Curiously enough, pedestrians didn't enjoy having their lives threatened in this manner, and within a minute, he was pulled over by the police.

"Ees zere a probleem, offeecer?"

"Sir, my name is Officer Mulcahey. Would you care to explain why you were driving on the sidewalk instead of the road like everybody else?"

At this point Pierre became too afraid to even speak, so Officer Mulcahey just arrested him instead of talking further. "JUSTICE!!" he yelled in his mind, "I'M AWESOME! ARRESTING PEOPLE IS GREAT! THIS IS WHY I BECAME AN OFFICER! BOO-YAAAAHHHH!!" Despite the rowdy display of self-gratification taking place in his thoughts, the officer held a steadfastly stoic face as he ducked Pierre into the back of the cruiser, fear hiccup after fear hiccup issuing from his mouth.

At the preliminary hearing, the judge asked whether Pierre wanted to plead guilty or not guilty, but the paranoid mailman could utter only one sound: "LLLLLLLLLLL"

"I didn't catch that. Did you say 'guilty' or 'not guilty?'"

"LLLLLLLLLLLLL!!"

"Very well. The preliminary hearing is rescheduled for tomorrow. I suggest you spend this time collecting your thoughts, Mr. Pierre."

Pierre wondered why the judge used his first name in place of his last, but the crippling fear soon overwhelmed this brief consideration. That night in jail, Pierre became sad. He was experiencing an existential crisis. Who was he? Why did he exist? From whence cometh all this fear? Why did he have to room with Bruno the Murderer for the night? Pierre didn't know in which direction he should go next.

In the recreation room, he was threatened by a group of surly thugs. He tried to bribe them with an apple he was somehow able to smuggle into the jail, but to no avail.

He decided enough was enough. The mail had to be delivered, and the more time he spent in jail, the less mail people would be receiving! He didn't consider that the post office actually hires more workers, and that his routes were covered. As he was led into the courthouse for his preliminary hearing (round 2), he brazenly burst forward into the chambers and bellowed at the top of his lungs "NOT GILTEEEEEEE!!!"

Unfortunately, it wasn't time for his hearing yet, and he had disrupted a paternity suit. He got re-arrested.

Finally, he plead not guilty, and a trial was set up. The jury had a heavy burden to determine a moralistic quandary: did Pierre, or did he not, drive a mail truck on a sidewalk and almost kill people? It turned out there was video footage, and their decision was actually quite easy to reach. Pierre had, in fact, driven a mail truck on a sidewalk and almost killed people. Lots of people, in fact. It's a miracle he didn't. Why he pled not guilty was more perplexing than the case itself. The jurors patted themselves on their backs for a job well done, treated themselves to a nice dinner, traded phone numbers and agreed that they need to have a monthly get-together to reminisce about that time a crazy guy drove on the sidewalk and they found him guilty. Two jurors ended up getting married several years later. Their only child became the President of the United States.

Pierre, meanwhile, went back to jail and counted down the days until he would be free to be scared of all sorts of things in the free world again.

A very grumpy alien. Part 2.

Once upon a time, I was the same alien. I had returned to space, which is where I'm originally from, and gone to see the bosses of my own planet. I told them about everything that happened and about how much my shins hurt and do you know what they told me?? They said "Alien, go back there. Get more science." I was like "Uggggggggggh but my shins hurt soo much right now and that place is terrible! Also you didn't even give me a ship capable of science!" It turns out I didn't have a choice, because the boss aliens were paying me and told me I'd stop getting paid if I didn't go back. I was very sad.

This time, upon arriving at that hellish planet, I parked on a different pyramid. I was not about to repeat my previous mistakes. Exiting my ship, however, I immediately stepped on a beetle and it made my shoes gross. Ugh. Already an awful day.

Since it was only one pyramid over from the other, terrible one, I ended up in the same town. I saw the same house as before, with that same door, but refused to go in it. I remembered that awful L shaped couch. My shins throbbed dully in response to that memory. I hobbled away from the door, smiling slightly at my act of rebellion.

The Choice

The adventurers emptied the wine bottle of its contents and laid it on the floor and spun it, waiting to see what their next move would be. The one that wore the dark hat blinked. He couldn't believe that the bottle was pointing at him and that now he would have to choose the destiny of the entire group. He was a little happy about it and a little worried about it, but he couldn't back out because the bottle had pointed at him and it was up to him to determine what the next step would be. He weighed his choices. Should they go to the north where the dangerous Indians lived? Or should they go to the south where the peaceful bears lived? East and west were clearly out of the picture since there were impenetrable walls 30 meters high. North and south were his only options. He weighed them carefully and then he spoke, "We're going to the south where the peaceful bears live, because the peaceful bears merely walk behind you and imitate your every action, but they don't threaten you at all. That's the key to peace." They all sighed a great sigh of relief realizing that they would all have to travel under the light of the moon.

Exotic Vacation

Once upon a time there was a couple who got on an airplane with the intention of having a wonderful exotic vacation at a place with pyramids, although not the place that you normally think about when you hear the word pyramid. This exotic place was in Central America. The flight attendant announced that everyone needed to turn off their cellphones and electronic equipment because the interference could cause the airplane's controls to malfunction. The couple was so excited that they forgot to turn off their cellphones, and in fact were so excited that they made a call on their cellphone which caused the plane to crash like an arrow to earth. Just like in Lost. However, unlike in Lost, the clues were not numbers, but were letters in boxes. They collected a lot of clues but did not know the key to the answer. So they found a magnifying glass in the wreckage of the plane and searched for more clues. Not being very clever, they didn't start a fire with the magnifying glass. Then it was night, a dark moonless night, and in the dark skies they saw a shooting star. Suddenly the moon came out from behind the dark cloud cover (did I mention the couple wasn't very bright?) and they realized that what they had seen wasn't a shooting star, but another plane crashing to the ground. Duh duh duh!!!!

Leroy's One-Day Adventure

Once upon a time, Leroy was bored. He realized that for thirty years, every day he had merely woken up, played with his mathematical instruments, and eaten food, and fallen back asleep. He decided to make a change. For the first time in years, he stepped outside and saw a glorious rainbow. It was as if even the heavens were rejoicing in his life-altering decision. He was speechless. So he walked over there to the parachute building: a whole tower dedicated to parachuting and the art surrounding it.

He said, "I have no experience, but I want to go by myself, not strapped to someone else."

They replied, "Well, we usually don't allow this, but there's a rainbow out today, so we're feeling mellow and generous. Where would you like to go?"

Leroy took out the die that he always kept in his pocket. He chose six locations and rolled to see where he would end up. He rolled a "one," which he foolishly chose to be the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. He loaded up and took off, and jumped out of the plane. He was never seen again.

Archer's Alien Attack

Once upon a time, there was an archer. He was a happy archer because of how good he was at shooting people with arrows. One day, he was sitting up in a tree at his guard post when he saw a friggin ALIEN! He was about to shoot when the alien yelled "STOP! I have a mystical device...a magnet! And it will attract the arrow no matter which direction you shoot it." The archer took a moment to calculate his odds, then shot the alien in the face. To celebrate his success, he searched the alien body and found the key to the very existence of humanity!